IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE BABY
by dandelionsandpearls
Summary: What if Katniss had stumbled upon Peeta after the broadcast, and he never made it to Haymitch? What if it was never an act but confusion? Does Peeta go to the games? And... a baby?
1. Prologue

**Before I begin I wish to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this, and whilst I do not require it to keep going I would love it if you left a review. I'm more than willing to answer questions so feel free to comment those down below as well! **

**This takes place moments after the announcement about the third quarter quell is made!**

**Enjoy, Lena **

** \- - -**

_Then I get it, what it means. At least, for me. District Twelve only has three existing victors to choose from. Two male. One female…_

I am going back into the arena.

\--

_My body reacts before my mind does and I'm running out of the door, across the lawns of the Victor's Village, into the dark beyond. Moisture from the sodden ground soaks my socks and I'm aware of the sharp bite of the wind, but I don't stop. Where? Where to go?_

As if in answer, the sound of a creaking door filled the silence rippling from the houses behind me. Pausing, I allowed myself a moment. One moment to gather my thoughts, to calm the rampant tears enough to see. But then I turn around, my eyes roaming over the barren landscape as they note the source of the disturbance.

"Don't…" I choked on the word, throwing it between us as my feet once again quickened beneath me. As I had turned around a part of me wished it was Haymitch, even if I was not in the mood and mental mind frame to deal with his drunken slurs and witty comments. Alas, the boy with the bread had been one step ahead of me.

Stumbling across uneven ground I stopped, looking up at him from the bottom step of his front door. Those familiar tears glistening in his own eyes, despite the steely determination outlining the blue irises.

"Don't…" The request ripped from me again. Don't what? I had no idea. Maybe I was pleading with him not to do something foolish, not to make any deals or promises. Maybe I knew all this because had I stopped to think about it before scampering into the night it was exactly what I would do. Because that feeling I get inside whenever I see him, see his pain and his suffering is one that I do not wish to feel again on such a large scale. Maybe it's because deep down, that part of me that cares for him is straining to break free.

Peeta appears to be facing a similar internal battle with his mind, his eyes glancing over my shoulder towards the only other occupied house beyond our own. As if he could see through the glossy window panes and rotting wood to the mentor likely surrounded by shattered glass and pools of his own vomit.

Then he turns his attention back to me, studying me intently for a moment before he relents; sighing with more emphasis than usual. I let out my own sigh of relief, only now realising how close I was to his chest, to those arms that had brought me so much comfort over the past few months.

During the time it had taken me to stumble blindly to his front door Peeta had descended most of the way to the bottom step, now standing one up from me. His attention fixed on the puffy skin and red track marks running across my pristine skin. As if becoming painfully aware of our proximity he stepped up one, but now I had to crane my neck to look at him - even with the height difference. I didn't like it, the distance now between us seeming to stretch miles rather than inches.

So I stepped up, planting my feet on the second step. Watching as his eyes darted down, lifting for a moment to frown at me.

"Katniss…" There was unease and tiredness in the way he said my name, but I ignored it. Taking another step until we were practically the same height. Again he moved backwards, fumbling for a second as his prosthetic took an extra minute to follow the rest of his body.

I stepped up again.

He was running out of places to go, there was the big empty house behind him, filled with a silent static that suggested he'd likely broken his television set before stumbling into the darkness. Peeta realised it at the same moment I did, glancing behind him as I followed him onto the wider entrance way. The role reversal had clearly not dawned on him, normally this was the other way around except in words not actions. Peeta never made any moves towards me unless the cameras and their buzzing returned, ever the gentlemen.

"Stay with me." Eyes wide, I untuck my hands from where I stashed them in my pockets. Ignoring the wind as it bite and tore at my exposed flesh, fingertips already turning a crimson colour as the bitter caress of winter made its way across my hands.

Letting out a breath I hadn't realised he had been holding Peeta's resolve flickered, and then crumbled all together as he opened his arms. A silent invitation that I had no doubt he had not planned on offering for a long while. We'd only just gotten to the point where conversations did not feel forced between us, but from the look in his eyes as I stood there pleading with him icy barriers had already began to form between us.

"Always."

Without hesitation I rushed forwards, crashing into the comforting embrace as I let him hold me. My original tears had long since turned to icicles on my cheeks, but now they flowed free again; starting a steady trail as I sobbed for the end of peace. For the beginning of the punishment I had found myself dwelling on in the empty time since the victory tour, since those snake eyes had told me all I needed to know about my efforts to convince a tyrant of a truth.

And that's what it was, a truth. Despite what I told him upon our return after the last games, a part of me did feel the same way towards Peeta. The only indifferences on my side had been the roots and realisation, the willingness to accept it for what it was. In some ways I still was not sure quite how deep those emotions ran within me. I had stifled them beneath the layers of resolve these past few months to the point I had no idea how to dig them out.

Eventually the cold grew too much. Biting at my toes, my ears, my cheeks anything the sharp teeth could find it bite. Eliciting a shiver that ran along my spine, across my aching shoulders as it rocked through my cold form. I had not noticed how cold it had gotten until that point, Peeta's embrace providing enough warmth that the weather's temperamental nature had not phased me.

Without prompt Peeta reached behind him, pulling back in order to do so, I grabbed his hand to keep him from leaving me out here all alone. A deep chuckle came from his still shadow as he pulled me into the welcoming furnace that awaited us beyond his doors. Sealing the monster out as the door clicked shut behind us, it wasn't locked but it wasn't open either.

Somehow we made it past the foyer, depositing our shoes on the mat littered with snowflakes as he lead me into the welcoming belly of heat. But one glance at him and I could see the familiar signs of tiredness tugging at his eyes, crumpling the corners as he glanced at the flames dancing in the crackling hearth.

Wordlessly I pulled him away, perhaps in a daze as I fumbled for the staircase I assumed was in the same place as mine. With luck it was, and though by the time we reached the top my time for leading was over Peeta seemed to have recovered enough to form a coherent thought.

His bedroom is much the same as mine, all the furniture was the same except for a few personal items littering the various nightstands and dressers. With a start I make out a framed picture of myself, taken from the stills of the victory tour it shows me smiling ever so slightly as we enjoyed the festivities here in twelve. How he got it, I don't know but as I turned to him to ask I quickly decide it can wait.

Right now I just need him, his company and his presence.

10 minutes pass in echoing silence as he directs me to a draw of spare clothing, though most of it remains too large for my thin form I find I don't mind the additional room I have wearing one of his oversized t shirts. And then we climb into bed together, still at a loss for conversation as I resolved to curl against his side as we so often did on the train. Resting my head against his chest as I listen to the beating, feeling as it rises and falls against my cheek.

I don't know how long we lay there, wrapped in each other's arms. Neither one of us in any mood to sleep, or to try at least, we both know tonight would end with me thrashing around and him silently staring at the ceiling waiting for the terror to pass. No, we don't sleep but we don't talk either. Until Peeta tilts my chin up to look at him and I am forced to stare into the eyes of a boy I find myself thinking of often, a boy who sends electrical currents jumping across my tainted skin.

"Tell me what you are thinking." I look down again, not ignoring the request but deciding what I have to say cannot be done with his eyes locked with mine.

"I'm thinking about how much simpler things might be if I hadn't lied to you that day on the train, if I had just admitted the truth to myself much sooner."

Beneath the beating of his heart I think I hear it catch for a moment, looking up I see that he is still looking at me. A soft expression lining his eyes as confusion takes over, clearly weighing the words as he attempts to find a response. But I am not finished.

"I'm thinking that you and I are much better together than we are apart, and if there is anything that keeps me up at night more than the nightmares it is remembering what it feels like to see you suffer because of me. To see anyone I… I care for suffer because of me."

Those three words dance across my lips but take a step back as a choke sounds in my throat, his confusion morphing into realisation as he at last looks away.

"Katniss -" But my name is the only thing that makes it across his lips before I impulsively claim them for myself. He has always been the one to initiate such intimacies between us on camera, beyond the stunts I pulled during the games and that one passionate exchange at the beginning of the Victory Tour.

I don't stop there, pulling my body up off the mattress as his hands cup my cheeks holding me there in stunned reciprocation. After a moment I pull back, in desperate need of oxygen as I take in the pink hue of his cheeks. His blush likely twin to the heat I can feel crawling along my cheeks as I entwine my fingers in the material of his shirt.

"Hold me." I don't think as the words cross my lips, watching as Peeta blinks away the confusion still unsure as he strokes my cheek with his thumb. Shuffling slightly he goes to move his hands back to their original position, but I stop him. Perhaps it is the madness and the frenzy of knowing what is to come, or the overwhelming sense that this is the last moment of peace we may ever get together.

"Katniss, what are you -" Again I silence him and this time he seems to slowly realise what I am getting at because after a moment he breaks away. Scanning my eyes as if trying to work out what's wrong, but finds nothing but sleepless want and longing.

"It's different for you… for me it's… it's not the same, it's not an act."

I hide the wince at the mention of my carefully thrown together lie, morphing my features into the motion of seriousness as I tilt my head back. My curls brushing my back as I tug at his shirt, the material bunching in my palm as I lean forwards.

"It was never just an act."

The whispered confession fuels a response in him as he reaches towards me, allowing for that shift between us as we tentatively approach the uncharted waters. Caution fuels our fumbled movements at first, but then we learn how to steer the ship and how to keep from sinking.

And later, as we lay wrapped in each other's warmth; our skin sticking with comfortable ease I listen to his heart beating against his chest. Smiling for the first time in a long time as I drift off into a dreamless sleep, his own breathes becoming even only a few moments later as we let the events of today carry us into the next.


	2. Promise Me

**Hey guys and girls! It's Lena here again with a new chapter update, I hope it's okay and progressing enough for you. I promise it gets a lot more interesting as it gets further into it! If you have any questions feel free to ask.**

A distant knocking draws me from the confines of a dreamless sleep the next morning. As I tentatively open my eyes I am aware of the cold bed beside me, and the distinct smell of baking on the air. It is clear that Peeta has been awake for ages, not that I mind, from our nights spent in each others arms during the victory tour I know he is an early riser.

Blushing at the memory, I recall the moments I would wake to find him staring down at me. Content to watch as I slept, peacefully and undisturbed by the normally throws of a nightmares that had often encompassed me since our return. On the particular morning my mind now strayed to I remember catching a glimpse of something hidden in his twinkling eyes as he'd looked away, something a lot like the look Peeta used to give me before the games had messed us up. A quiet longing.

The knocking grew frantic and even from upstairs I could hear the urgency behind it, along with the familiar scuffling as Peeta likely raced towards the door. So odd, that even without him beside me I had managed to remain asleep, normally I would wake after ten minutes from the first rays of a nightmare. But today I had likely remained silent for a lot longer.

Bitterly throwing the covers aside, I moved to collect my things from where they had been thrown during last night's progressive event. Even just the memory of his hands running through my hair, his lips on mine as he and I experienced each other's company in a different way, brought that heat rushing back to my cheeks.

"Peeta - have you seen Katniss?" Oh no, I recognised that voice immediately. Glancing out the window to the house three doors up. In the heat of the moment I had forgotten about my abrupt departure from my house, likely leaving my mother and Prim in such a state. To make matters worse I hadn't thought to tell them where I was before spending the night with Peeta.

To his credit Peeta did not saying anything at first, taking a moment as he eventually invited her inside. Though he had clearly soothed her worries slightly I could hear from the creaking that Prim was still waiting for an answer she could use. Thanking him for not speaking on my behalf I quickly threw yesterday's clothes back on, running my fingers through my matted hair quickly to at least try and soothe the blow about what we had been up to as I moved across the landing to the stairs.

From beneath my feet I could hear Prim's voice as she spoke again, quieter this time as if afraid of who might be listening in.

"After the… the announcement she ran out. Both mum and I tried to stay up for her return but then it got so late… but when we woke up we realised she still hadn't come back, and her bed clearly hasn't been slept in." She paused, finally taking a breath as I paused on the bottom step. "Mum's gone into town on an errand, she's scared Katniss might have gone over the fence so she's trying to act normal. Keep the Peacekeepers off her scent for a while if it's true."

Something like gratitude rose up within me, despite her many mistakes after my father died I knew she was at last trying. For Prim she had pulled herself from her grief and comatose living to act like the mother I had become for the girl she'd left behind. Things between us were still rocky, not as bad as they had been before but there was still a long way to go before they were anywhere near warm and endearing.

At that moment I heard Peeta try and stammer a response and decided it was time to save him; as I rounded the corner I saw my sister for the first time since yesterday. Her cheeks were tinged pink from the lingering winds of winter, clear haste had been applied to getting dressed because her shirt was poking up in places from her new skirt.

As he had with me, Cinna had taken it upon himself to design and construct a brand new wardrobe for my sister. A variety of dresses, skirts and blouses had been delivered a few weeks after I had returned. Prim's face had lit up when she'd seen the collection, squealing with delight once realising the crate was addressed to her rather than me.

As I came into view the tight worry on her face faded and relief swam in her eyes, she was always the picture of calm. But I could tell there was something about my sudden disappearing act that had made her worry. I flinched, ever so slightly uneasy about it as I offered her my best apologetic look.

"Sorry for worrying you little duck."

Peeta had his back to me as I entered, but at the sound of my voice he peered over his shoulder. Offering me a similar smile to the one my sister was now giving me, I mouthed a small thank you at him as I stopped by his side. Willing the blush to keep away from my cheeks now as I got my first look at him in the daylight since last night.

Still handsome.

"Were you here all night?" The curiosity in Prim's voice did not go unnoticed as Peeta's eyebrows shot up in a look that was a mixture of 'good luck' and 'if only she knew'. Silently scowling at him I turned back to look at my sister, nodding as I wrapped my arms around my body to keep from shivering. In my haste I had forgotten to pick up my jumper, only just managing to throw on my discarded top before hurrying down to deal with the issue at hand.

Reaching down in an instant Peeta grabbed his own jumper from where it had been left in a heap on one of the couch cushions. Handing it to me with a soft smile on his lips before murmuring a flimsy excuse and leaving me and Prim alone, the latter of whom shouted after him that she wanted some of whatever it was she could smell.

Although things between me and Peeta had been tense for months, he and Prim had developed a bond that was unshakeable. I would often come home from the woods to find a fresh batch of cookies waiting for Prim on the kitchen table, normally they were already half gone but even then I knew who had sent them. Once, he had even showed her how he frosted them and though she didn't have quite the same precision as he, Prim hadn't done a bad job at attempting the flowery designs.

Moving to sit down, I wrapped the material around my shivering limbs as my sister followed suit. Suddenly at ease as she swept the material of the skirt beneath her to avoid wrinkles, ever the picture of etiquette that Effie had tried to worm from me during the victory tour.

"I'm sorry I worried you." I mumbled, looking away as I realised it was probably not the sensiblest of things to have done. "I just needed time to clear my head."

"I can see that." Whipping my head round as I sensed the teasing tone to her words I scowled at my sister, a rare occurrence as it may be. But Prim was grinning from ear to ear, her eyes drifting in the direction of the kitchen that Peeta had stolen away to.

"Don't tell mum." The sudden outburst made me clamp my lips shut, holding a hand over my mouth as I watched Prim try to stifle - and fail - a giggle. At least someone was finding it amusing. Apparently two people were because as I tilted my head to the side to groan I heard the distant sound of Peeta laughing in the kitchen.

I scowled.

"Don't worry I won't, but you know she will figure it out right?" Prim had a point, despite her vacant years our mother had not lost her keen eye. She would likely notice the change as soon as I saw her, perhaps I would just linger here for a bit longer to delay the inevitable.

Inevitable. _The games_.

All at once it hit me, the realisation that I was going back into the games having left me for a few brief hours. Looking over at Prim I knew now why they had been worried, ever the smart girl she had managed to control her amusement as she watched the light in my eyes fade.

Already tears were beginning to form in my eyes as I tried to push thoughts of my impending doom from my mind, coughing as I shifted my position slightly. As if sensing the change in atmosphere Peeta reappeared in the doorway, a concerned frown on his face and a tray of cookies in his hand. Seeing the look on my face he shuffled over, setting the treats down on the coffee table in front of Prim who successfully managed to become very interested in the present as Peeta settled down beside me.

"Are you all right?" He murmured, brushing a stray curl from my face as I attempted a disheartened nod. Knowing I was not, he looked over at Prim who quickly mumbled something about going to find mum and telling her she had found me. I gave her a thankful smile as she disappeared, but she only winked as she took six of the eight cookies off the tray and sprinted out of the house.

"You have to promise not to go into that arena Peeta. If Haymitch's name is called… you have to promise." I refused to meet his gaze, likely lined with guilt and an indescribable look of love, I knew if I looked at him the tears I was keeping at bay would flow freely down my cheeks. Last night had been a spur of the moment attempt to prevent just that, but I knew without my words and next few confessions it would not hold.

"Why?" His voice shook slightly as he spoke the three letter blow aloud, tilting my chin up so I had nowhere to look that wasn't into his eyes. The same eyes I had not been able to get out of my head since we returned from the games, the eyes that kept me up at night wondering and pondering over what it was that stirred within me whenever I saw them.

"Because I don't know what I would do if I lost you, and I know that if we both go into that place… we won't be walking out together a second time. Snow made that mistake once, he won't risk the consequences." I was tripping over my words, dodging and skirting around the truth that was being silently demanded of me. The same truth I had brushed aside for months until last night, even saying it… he hadn't believed me. Or at least, from the look in Peeta's eyes maybe he did, he just wanted more. He wanted to know why.

"...And despite everything I have said, all the excuses and the distance I have placed between us. I get this feeling whenever I am around you that if I lost you… if I lost you, I wouldn't survive it. Because I care about you, not in the way friends care for each other… but that something more you must have felt at the beginning."

I was never any good with words, that's why Peeta had always been the one that spoke during interviews for us. He had a way with words, whilst I took my time fumbling and jumping over what I actually wanted to say to the point it often got lost in translation. But as I watched him take in what I had said, I could see Peeta hadn't missed a beat. Listening intently as I let out what had been weighing me down for months.

"Remind me again why I do all the talking during interviews?" I let out a sigh of relief, noting the playful sparkle in his eyes as he beamed at me. Reaching across the divide between us, shattering my walls as he stepped right over their crumbled remains to take my hands in his. Dwarfing them in his slightly larger ones, like two pieces of a puzzle they fit together in a comforting way.

"I'm sorry sorry I lied to you for so long…"

"You didn't lie to me, you were confused… I get it now. It took me a while to stop my pride from controlling my emotions but, I get it now. I do." He sounded so sincere, so genuine that I leant forwards and captured his lips with my own. Whilst last night had included plenty of this, our lips caught between each other, muffled responses swallowed, this felt different somehow.

A flutter in my stomach brought a smile to my lips, the corners curviving up in an uncontrollable manner as I beamed just as widely as Peeta had moments before.

We stayed like that for a while, wrapped in each others arms breathing in each other's company as we explored this new us. It didn't feel awkward, strange or even tense. It felt right as if it was something I had been missing my whole life. Eventually Peeta begrudgingly pulled away, he had to get to the bakery before they got swamped with the morning rush, and I watched as he shuffled out the door. Throwing one last smile in my direction before the cold arms of winter claimed him as he was pulled from the warmth.

It took me a moment to realise what I had to do before I pulled on my shoes, making sure I disturbed nothing as I scampered across the village square to the only other occupied house in the victors village. I didn't bother knocking, he wouldn't hear me even if I did.

But unlike all the times before I did not dump a pot of freezing cold water over his head. No, I needed him to like me today because what I had come to demand of him would cost everything. It would likely even cost Haymitch his life.

\--

As the days sped by becoming a blur of weeks and meaningless numbers I began to train with Peeta and Haymitch, the latter of whom had yet to reply to my pleas. He'd awoken quickly, somehow sensing another body in the room and been sharp and gruff with me about sneaking up on him. But he'd listened and when I was done, when I'd asked what I came to ask he'd simply told me he'd think about it and gone back to drowning his sorrows.

Peeta was still none the wiser, I felt guilty anytime I thought about it but I knew if he found out now there would be no stopping him. He would break the promise he made me and make sure he was in that arena, he would make sure it was him protecting me and not Haymitch.

Most days after training I'd disappear back into the confines of my house to shower, often getting lost in a daze of thoughts for half an hour before peeling myself from the tiles and moving about as if nothing had happened. Peeta would wait for me in his house, unless it was a tuesday when he would meet me at the bakery after his shift, and then we would go to the meadow by my old house and sit in the long grass. Our hands entwined, our legs tangled in an unbreakable knot as we lay there together. It was simple, but I cherished those moments most of all.

However, about six weeks after the announcement, I came to the bathroom to find my mother waiting for me. She was awkwardly hovering on the landing when I trudged up the stairs after a particularly brutal training session, my back had been off all day and it had really shown in my lazy attitude towards working out. Peeta had frowned and hovered closer than usual, but made no attempt to stop me. He knew it would be futile.

"Oh, Hey." I tried to keep the monotone accomplice from my words, we were getting along slightly better than before, but sometimes I still found it hard not to let it show in my voice how frustrated I still was. The normal flinch did not come today and I found myself frowning at my mother, silently trying to work out what had gotten her so dazed and distracted.

"I need to show you something, and you have to promise not to yell." I frowned further, my brow creasing as I took a step towards her. Concern lining my eyes as I watched her extend a shaky hand in my direction. Recognition flashed across my mind as I reeled backwards, trying to block it from mind as I stumbled over a response.

"Is that, yours?" I stammered, my heartbeat increasing as I desperately prayed her answer would be yes. But as she shook her head and realisation sunk in at what I was looking at I asked her another question, still unsure as I spoke.

"Whos is it?" I didn't want to know, I didn't want to know. But I did know, before she even opened her mouth to answer I knew.

"I had begun to notice the changes last week… I didn't want to bring it up with you in case you reacted badly, you were never the one to…. Prim was but you…" I was pretty certain I wasn't breathing at this point as I took the item in question from her hand, grateful she was at least not chiding me for my reckless behaviour. I had no doubt she'd figured out what we'd done almost as soon as I had walked through the door that evening but to be that observant… to be this observant was different.

"How did you do it without me knowing?" A slight pink blush rose to my mother's cheeks as she stammered something about the time the fire alarm went off right as I was about to leave the bathroom. I remembered that day… because it was only yesterday which meant she had known for at least twenty four hours already.

A part of me wanted to be mad at her for not telling me, but I knew she was right about how I would have reacted. And this moment was just further proof at how unhinged the games had left me as I slid down the wall clutching the unintended bomb in my hand as I stared at it in silent horror.

Because there were the two pink lines I had read about on the back of the box sent to me by Effie a few months ago, at the time I had scowled and thrown it in the trash but now… as it stared back at me I wished I hadn't.

One line for negative. Two for a positive. And there was two.

I was not only about to be fighting for my life in that arena in four months time, I would be fighting for two.

Because those two lines meant I was pregnant. And I had no idea how I was supposed to tell Peeta.


End file.
